Family Dynamics

How families change over the years!

Mine certainly has. I grew up in a family of six—two grandparents, two parents, myself and my younger brother. Our family dynamics changed when my grandparents needed assistance to continue to be partially independent after my grandmother suffered a major stroke in 1964. Nana and Papa had to move in with us.

After 40 years of marriage, there was no way that Papa wasn’t going to continue to look after Nana. He loved her passionately and took on that responsibility not just as her husband, but her soul mate as well.

I can remember listening to my parents at night, trying to work out how everything was changing and who would do what in helping with Nana’s care.

It was a stressful time. Mum and Dad had this thrust upon them. They used their savings to remodel our garage and built a granny flat on the side that was wheelchair accessible. Dad and Papa spent hours getting everything ready for Nana’s return from the hospital. Dad even had to buy a van to transport Nana around. She was unable to walk, with her left side affected by the stroke.

So all the family roles changed that year. Before Nana arrived home, we all sat together and devised a plan to cover everything we thought we needed, and it went something like this:

• My grandfather became Nana’s major caregiver. He looked after her 24 hours a day, with all of us pitching in where we could.

• Dad helped with heavy lifting, bathing, and respite. He also worked but had reduced his hours and was flexible enough to take Nana to the doctors when needed.

• Mum took on the role of cooking for all of us, something that my Nana had done for years, as she was always at home during the day.

• My brother and I were given all the household chores: cleaning, washing, feeding animals, and running jobs for Papa when he needed them.

We all worked well together, with a few hiccups in the first couple of months, but our routine became streamlined as we worked out what worked and what didn’t.

We had the odd conflict, but generally we were a happy bunch. Each family member brought their unique personality traits to the front. I spent hours reading my stories to Nana and bringing her treasures that I found in the garden. Nana couldn’t talk, but we were all able to understand her. My brother showed off all his new skills on the skateboard, and Nana would sit in her wheelchair under the trees and watch him for hours.

We made living with and managing a very dependent loved one as fun as we could. Nana was included in everything, and none of us were offended if she fell asleep halfway through our fun.

We adapted and had a great family life until Papa suffered a major stroke in 1972 and passed away. Now the care of Nana fell to my father, who gave up his job to take on 24-hour care of her.

Looking back on that time, I don’t know how my mother kept her sanity. We weren’t a wealthy family and had already experienced tight times, but somehow she managed to spin the money to make ends meet. We were lucky that we had a big orchard and vegetable garden to fall back on.

We managed for the next 12 months, but Nana suffered another stroke and was then transferred to full care in a hospital facility. Dad was devastated and, though helpless in losing Nana from our family home, he also felt that he had let Papa down by being unable to care for her by himself. He was such a devoted son and taught us all how important keeping family together was.

My Nana passed away in August 1974, and life for us changed again once Dad had given himself time to grieve. Both my brother and I had left school and were getting on with our own lives.

Mum and Dad became empty nesters, and I learnt some very valuable lessons as I look back on this time of my life.

I was proud of my family and its healthy family dynamics—with our communication that always remained open and respectful, and where all our family members felt supported and valued. The odd bit of conflict was managed constructively, and there was an important balance between individuality and togetherness. Mum and Dad provided a nurturing environment that fostered our emotional growth and resilience, and I will forever be grateful for that gift we received.